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Heaven and hell jokes Page: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 Morty the producer dies and goes to purgatory. The agent behind the counter says "So Morty, what's it gonna be Heaven or Hell?" Morty asks, "What's the difference?" Sid says "Take a look at the monitor over here." Morty goes to the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are quietly floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns to Sid and says "Well that's nice. Pretty boring but nice. What's Hell like?" Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does and sees scenes of young people having sex and dancing and smoking and drinking and laughing and singing and generally having a great time. "This is great!" says Morty. "I think I'll try Hell." Sid directs him to the elevator and instructs him to push the down arrow. Morty does so and waits for the elevator to take him to hell. When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty look s around from the elevator doorway and is shocked at what he sees. Everywhere are people burning in agony, screaming in pain, drowning and suffering. There are laughing demons with pitchforks piercing their skin. Its horrible, disgusting. Morty presses the up button and goes right back to Sid." "What is this!? Hell is nothing like you showed me on the monitor! It was awful down there!" Sid says, "You mean that monitor?" "Yes," says Morty. "Oh, well, that was just the pilot." A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates. The doctor said how he'd healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell. The engineer told how he'd built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell. The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as he mentioned his occupation, God said "You've already been thru Hell, Welcome to Heaven." Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell. A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas." "The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you?" Jay: Does the Bible say that if you smoke you can't get to heaven? Ted: No, but the more you smoke the quicker you'll get there. Why did the angel lose her job? She had harp failure. How do angels greet each other? They say, Halo. An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival. "How did you get here?" he asked. And the new angel replied, "Flu..." A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?' 'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.' 'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.' 'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor ansvered. 'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas. St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. "Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches." "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires." |
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